This Wall
I keep raising up the ladder
Hoping one day I’ll reach the top
I keep climbing ever higher
Hoping one day to scale this wall
I’m looking for a hammer
Something to break it down
You find the mud and trowel
Build it up to keep me out
Hiding the pain I’ve already seen
It’s nothing new to me
That black and blue heart isn’t
The only thing you’re keeping from me
Build a wall to keep pain out
You’re the only one inside
Caged inside it’s dark and cold
You’re all alone
I’m still here at the wall
Waiting for you to let me in
Your pain is the mortar
Your hate is the brick
I try to break it down
It’s all that’s between you and me
But this pile of clay
Was built by your own hands
And I know
I will never be as strong
As strong
As this wall
Broken Bottles
You’re not sober all the time
That brown bottle’s almost gone
We’ve gone way too fucking far
Now I’m way too fucking drunk
Those pills are broken on the floor
I can’t handle too much more
Cocaine left you broke and dry
Don’t you see, now you’re making me cry
I’m way too drunk to fuck
So you just hold me in your arms
I don’t want to move on
I’ve waited for you for far too long
I’ve finally had it up to here
But I’m not going to give up
I can’t just let it slide this time
Because I care about you too much.
Ok, I officially FEEL like a whore. Even though I’ve written a bazillion poems about it and all that, I’ve never actually FELT like a whore. Yeah, everyone told me I was, but the truth is, I didn’t really agree with it. That is, until tonight.
The count, if I were one to keep score, is now 7, not to mention a lot of others that I just fooled around with. It’s not that I’ve had sex with so many guys that has made me feel like a whore tonight, it’s the fact that I crossed the one boundary I had set for myself. No kissing.
In the past, whenever I was just havin casual sex, after the first disaster, I decided I couldn’t kiss the guys I was fucking- that is unless I was dating him. And until this week, I’ve stuck to it. However, I got drunk- a la my last post, had sex with a guy and was kissing him, the next night I was kissing another guy that had been at the party, had sex with him the next two nights and kissed him when I left last night. Tonight, I ran into an ex-friend’s ex-boyfriend and we were all over each other. I kind of had redneck sex- on the back of his pickup in the woods. But that’s not the point.
The point is that I’ve totally broken that one rule I set for myself, the one rule that made me NOT feel like a whore, although ironically that’s one of the arguments people use to tell me that I AM a whore.
I feel like a whore, but I also feel free again.
The Worst Sex Of My Life
has prompted me to post this tonight.
I understand why “fuck buddies” are a bad idea. It starts out no strings attached, freelance sex, but unfortunately it tends not to stay that way. Someone usually ends up with some kind of attachment to that “buddy.” I know, I’ve been there, done that a million times over. It doesn’t change the fact that I still choose to have friends with benefits, but I do realize that it’s not the best idea… go figure.
What I don’t understand is my current predicament. How can someone be attached to a one night stand?
The story is, I went to a friend’s house last night to party. Well, there were a total of 7 of us (not a very big party huh?) We were all drunk off our asses, played circle of death, then decided it was time we all passed out. Well, I, being who I am, had been flirting with at least 2 of the guys and well, 1 of the girls too. In the end, I ended up fucking one of the guys.
I guess I should have known better considering my best friend had just told me this guy had told him that I was enough of a reason for him to be at the party. Hey, I’m flattered, but really, come on now.
Well, aparently he thinks it was more than just a fuck. Sorry, it wasn’t, I was drunk- on Vodka no less, which tends to make me WANT to have sex. That’s all it was. Not to mention it was the WORST sex of my life, no joke, it was horrible. My first thought was ‘well maybe it’s because we’re both drunk,’ but it took me all of 10 seconds to realize it was just THAT bad.
So this morning I’m all over one of the other guys and guy A gets pretty jealous. He didn’t say anything, but it was just the 3 of us as everyone else was gone to work. It was awkward. I wasn’t doing anything with the other guy, but he was ridiculous. Guy B got up at one point to get another drink and guy A jumps up and takes his seat beside me. Then continuously proceeded to get closer to me.
I’m sorry, but I was drunk off my ass, I was flirting with EVERYONE basically, and I had said shit all night and all day today about other guys I’d had sex with and a lot of other things trying to discourage this kid and NOTHING worked.
For goodness sake, the other guys kept smacking my ass, I flirted with them just as much, and even made out with one of the other girls, who just happens to be my best friend’s girlfriend, and this kid STILL doesn’t get it.
I like my freedom, I’m actually enjoying being single, being able to do what I want, when I want, with who I want, I don’t want to be tied down, and I definitely wouldn’t want to be with a guy who thinks that a one night stand qualifies as starting a relationship.
So, maybe I sound like a bitch, sorry, but that’s just how I feel.
How did I even manage this mess? It’s going to be a bitch to clean up.
Ok, here’s my warning. This is a RANT. I need to rant and rave for a minute here, so deal with it or go away.
I’m fucking sick of stupid ass people. I swear I’m going to take a knife and shove it up someone’s ass in the near future. I just fucking love how “friends” just disappear and don’t fucking CALL back. How hard is it to pick up a damn phone and call someone when you fucking say you’re going to call them? I mean, what the hell?
It’s bullshit, I’m pissed, and I just don’t even fuckin care anymore. If all these fucking little bitches around me want to pull this shit, well, it’s their ass not mine. They know they don’t want me as an enemy, so they know what’s comming.
I’m through, I’m done, and cheers to the shitheads that I want to kill right now.
/"\ |\./| | | | | |>~<| | | /'\| |/'\.. /~\| | | | \ | =[@]= | | \ | | | | | \ | ~ ~ ~ ~ |` ) | / \ / \ / \ _____ / |--//''`\--| | (( +==)) | |--\_|_//--|
WonderWoman
I’m everything you want, baby
I’m everything you need
I’m everything you’ll ever want a bitch to be
I really doubt you’ve ever met a hoe like me
Just say the word, that’s all it takes
Just say the word & this pussy’s yours’
Just say the word & everything you want, you get
But I’m a devil in disguise, baby, so don’t you forget
I know you want me baby
You think I want you too
I know you need me baby
You can’t hide what’s true
Here I am, yours to use
Here I am, your fantasies come true
Here I am, yours to abuse
Be careful or I’ll have my way with you
What do you want me to be?
Where do you want me to go?
What do you want to do to me?
Being everything you want me to be is all I know
Don’t expect me to actually like you
Don’t expect me to fall in love with you
Don’t expect me to be around tonight
Keepin’ me around isn’t worth the fight
Crazy As Me
Yeah, so what if Im kinky
Ive got vibes & dildos & guys with dicks of all sizes
So shut your face or I’ll shove ‘em up your asses.
It don’t make me a whore
So what if I’ve fucked a guy or 2
You’re just pissed ‘cuz I won’t suck you
I grew up on the right side & all that bullshit
My daddy never ran out on us
My mama isn’t fucked up from abuse
Go ahead & tell me I had it made
No shit dumbass, I’ll admit that’s true
Hate to tell you though, I’m as fucked up as you
I was never raped
I was never abused
I was 19 before I ever even smoked a few
Havin’ it all isn’t all that fuckin’ great
You spend the whole damn day
Chasin’ off every wannabe & fake
I always got what I wanted, shit, I still do
But I spent my whole time growin’ up wonderin’
What it was like livin’ life like the ghetto kids do
Guess what, I’ve still got it made
I still haven’t lived like they do
But my side o’ the tracks has its own Hell too
I’m still single right now
Fuck it, what bastard wants a girl they know sleeps around?
Besides all those mother fuckers can’t keep up with me anyhow
I get off on pain
Whips & Chains is my favorite game
I know one day I’m bound to end up raped and abused
I’m lucky I’m not pregnant yet
On this side of the street that’s the worst that can happen to you
And livin’ with me would be a fucked up life for that kid too
Maybe one day I’ll get my degree
But I’m startin’ to think this damn college life isn’t for me
But if I drop out now all I’ll ever hear is how much of a dumbshit I turned out to be
I could make it easy
Be a pussy instead of just havin’ one for guys to fuck
I could pull the trigger, take the chance on my luck
You bitches think I’m crazy
Think I’ve got a few loose screws
But just remember you’re as crazy as me ‘cuz I’m as crazy as you
People, please don’t take this seriously. I’ve been listening to WAY too much rap lately and this has absolutely nothing to do with me…. so please don’t post saying it’ll all be okay and shit like that!
It’s Pointless, Isn’t It?
It’s pointless to want anything, it’s pointless to care about anyone, it’s pointless try, it’s pointless to think, it’s just all pointless.
That’s what I’ve realized. No matter what, nothing is ever what you want it to be. No matter what, no matter how much you care about someone, they’ll never care about you too. No matter how much you want something, you’ll never get it.
Everyone will disappoint you, everyone else will walk away, everyone else will break your heart. They say they won’t, they say they’re your friend, they call you their homie or whatever. They do all this shit, say everything in the book, use you then act like you never fucking mattered.
They ask for your help when they need it, they ask you to do something for them, then when everything is good again, when their life is just peachy, you don’t even exist to them anymore.
See, it’s pointless to care.
Then you sit there and try to figure out what you did, what you said, why they walked away. You blame yourself, then you blame them, then you blame yourself again. It’s a neverending cycle and it sucks to no end.
You want to be mad, you want to cry, you want to fucking bash their face in, but you can’t do that because no matter how much they hurt you, you’d still do any for them. You’d still take a bullet for them, you’d do anything they asked. And why? Because, you’re just that nice, you just care that much. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known them for a year or for a day. It doesn’t matter if everything they say makes you feel like shit. You still try, you still want to be part of their life, but it’s pointless isn’t it?
Then one day you sit there, gun in hand, crying, thinking, debating whether or not to pull the trigger. Your life is pointless anyway, so why not?
You put the gun down. You can’t do it, you can’t pull the trigger. That’s pointless too. It’s pointless to kill yourself cause then you’re just another body taking up space in the ground. What’s the point in that?
So you go back and you do it all over again. And you realize, there is a point, but by then, it just hurts too much for it to matter.
Fuck It.
Fuck it! My mind is reeling.
Fuck it! My eyes aren’t seeing.
Fuck it! Your lips are lying.
Fuck you! Your heart is cold.
I want to play your game
But my heart’s just not in it.
I want to feel you in me
But I’m really not that willing.
Fuck it! My heart is bleeding.
Fuck it! My hope is ending.
Fuck it! Your lies deceiving.
Fuck you! You’re no longer welcome here.
I’m through pretending
It doesn’t get us anywhere
I’m through pretending
You’ve never been worth it.
Time for an update.
This weekend, I was scared out of my mind that I might be pregnant, ha, leave it up to me to yet again find a fuck buddy. We had some… issues… with condoms breaking and shit. I took a test and it was negative (thank God!) but now I’m sitting here wishing it had been positive. Somehow there’s just this really big part of me that actually wanted to be. It’s a part of me that’s saying to TRY to get pregnant next time…
