It’s Pointless, Isn’t It?
It’s pointless to want anything, it’s pointless to care about anyone, it’s pointless try, it’s pointless to think, it’s just all pointless.
That’s what I’ve realized. No matter what, nothing is ever what you want it to be. No matter what, no matter how much you care about someone, they’ll never care about you too. No matter how much you want something, you’ll never get it.
Everyone will disappoint you, everyone else will walk away, everyone else will break your heart. They say they won’t, they say they’re your friend, they call you their homie or whatever. They do all this shit, say everything in the book, use you then act like you never fucking mattered.
They ask for your help when they need it, they ask you to do something for them, then when everything is good again, when their life is just peachy, you don’t even exist to them anymore.
See, it’s pointless to care.
Then you sit there and try to figure out what you did, what you said, why they walked away. You blame yourself, then you blame them, then you blame yourself again. It’s a neverending cycle and it sucks to no end.
You want to be mad, you want to cry, you want to fucking bash their face in, but you can’t do that because no matter how much they hurt you, you’d still do any for them. You’d still take a bullet for them, you’d do anything they asked. And why? Because, you’re just that nice, you just care that much. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known them for a year or for a day. It doesn’t matter if everything they say makes you feel like shit. You still try, you still want to be part of their life, but it’s pointless isn’t it?
Then one day you sit there, gun in hand, crying, thinking, debating whether or not to pull the trigger. Your life is pointless anyway, so why not?
You put the gun down. You can’t do it, you can’t pull the trigger. That’s pointless too. It’s pointless to kill yourself cause then you’re just another body taking up space in the ground. What’s the point in that?
So you go back and you do it all over again. And you realize, there is a point, but by then, it just hurts too much for it to matter.
Brian said,
September 27, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Really??? Sorry Court, but I’ve never walked away from you. And you’re wrong that it’s pointless.
Everything you’ve done, every action you’ve taken brings you closer and closer to the edge. When is it enough Court?
I don’t want you to kill yourself. Like you said what’s the point? I’ve tried everything I know to reach you, but the one person in your life who cares about you and loves you unconditionally; you’ve slammed the door on me.
Why is that? Do you feel unworthy? How much more do you have to debase yourself before you decide that this isn’t what you want? My heart hurts for you and I mourn the loss of my friend.
I’ll always care for you Court and I pray to God every day that you find the courage to say no more. All I can offer you is what I have always offered you. My love and respect.
Rose-Dewy Knickers said,
September 28, 2007 at 7:33 am
You know something sweetie? We need to get together and talk. Girl to girl.
Rose
xo